The First of Summer

The First of Summer

It’s a rainy Sunday evening, with a forecast of thunderstorms for the rest of the night, until tomorrow. We’re sat at our cluttered lounge, enjoying a cuppa, trying to flesh out my thoughts while keeping a close watch on the movie playing on telly. Summer has officially come.

I look back on the week that was, perhaps one of the busiest we’ve had for a while. Michael’s had back to back appointments, while I spent my mornings and early afternoons helping out at the holiday club ran by the Church in Skipton. Now, holiday club is pretty much similar to a Vacation Bible School in the Philippines, albeit in a smaller but much grander scale.

A friend asked me, was this the biggest commitment I’ve had since Bethany? I’ve done 2 weeks of the toddler group, and the PA desk at church for the past few weeks. I’ve done some Bible study with another lady, but a full week’s commitment to do children’s work certainly has been the most taxing one by far.

I was slightly apprehensive when I first came. I didn’t know a lot of people there. I’m a noob, no idea whatsoever how a typical day goes. But the veterans were very helpful at educating me about everything holiday club related. I felt like I did really well.

Honestly, what probably made me more nervous about being there were the meaningful stares, the little smiles that I’d get from well meaning people. But boy was I wrong! What I got was love, so much love. If someone did ask me, they did it with such respect for my privacy, and honour for my Bethany.

“How do you manage to be around children after what happened? You are doing so well.”

Other than responding with “only by God’s grace”, I still can’t figure out what to say. I still cry in the shower sometimes. I have days when I wake up and question why we lost our child. I sometimes still can’t bear to look at a newborn without tears welling up. Seeing pregnant women still makes me long for the life that I carried and lost. But every day, I consciously choose to breathe and live life, to trust God in this new journey.

So yeah, it was tough. Given the chance, I’ll do it again. That photo up there, (intentionally blurred the rest, I don’t know if they’ll be ok for me to post this in public) has me smiling like there’s no tomorrow. I was happy. I am happy.

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